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HLG's News

Posted by HLG - July 6th, 2009

michael jackson is dead oh my gosh

rip mj

woah hey guys

Posted by HLG - June 21st, 2009

Posted by HLG - June 3rd, 2009

The Fish-Man Rapist Chronicles Volume 2
By Armon Pakdel

Megan and Lorenzo were just your ordinary teenage lovebirds, furiously making out on the bleachers after class, when Lorenzo decided to reach... down there.

"Hey... aren't you going to ask me first?" giggled Megan, her face flushing a deep red color.

"If I had wasted my time asking you boring bullshit like that," began Lorenzo, slicking back his greased black hair, "then I would have already gotten bored with you."

"Tee-hee! You're so funny!"

"Shut up, stupid bitch."

The couple proceeded to make love right there on the bleachers. When they were done, Lorenzo got up first, wiping the pussy juice off his chin.

"Alright, I got a game to attend. As you know, I'm the star quarterback of-"

"Who's that?" said Megan, pointing to the strange Fish-man at the end of the bleachers.

"I dunno," said Lorenzo, just noticing the Fish-man. "But if he's been watching us this whole time..."

"He's creeping me out!" whined Megan. "Make him go away, Lorenzo!"

"Shut up. I'm not your fucking genie in a bottle, bitch."

"I'll take bets on that!" chirped the Fish-man.

Lorenzo gave the Fish-man a rude glare. Then, without warning, he charged. But attempting to tackle the Fish-man proved much more difficult than it seemed. The quarterback hustled across the bleachers and found himself hitting nothing but air. He whipped around and saw the Fish-man grinning widely at him.

"You son of a bitch!" said Lorenzo, kicking the ground in anger.

When Lorenzo looked up again the Fish-man wasn't there. All he could see was Megan standing there on the bleachers, looking at him with a stupid expression on her face. Or... was she looking behind him? Suddenly Lorenzo felt something grab him from behind. Before he knew it he was on the ground getting raped by the Fish-man.

"Let... me... go..." sputtered Lorenzo as he was raped.

He soon realized his struggles to escape were futile. The Fish-man bobbed up and down, and Lorenzo had no choice but to lay there and get violated. Megan watched in horror as her boyfriend was raped by a being who was half fish, half man, and half rapist. Finally, it was over. The Fish-man pulled out and ejaculated all over Lorenzo's ass. Grody!

Later that day...

"Are you sure you're alright?" asked Lorenzo's coach. "You look like hell. I don't think you're fit to play the game today."

"I'm... fine" said Lorenzo weakly, rubbing his buttocks.

"Alright... if you say so."

The football game was a disaster. As the team's lead player and star quarterback, Lorenzo just couldn't pull through. After all, he just fucking got raped.

The Fish-Man Rapist Chronicles Volume 2

Posted by HLG - May 28th, 2009

A Very Silly Story!
Armon Pakdel

The sun exploded in my face as our lips pulled apart. The day was as bright as my smile as I looked into Ella's eyes. They were a pale green... my favorite color. Heh! Heh! Heh! We lay as lovers did, entangled on the grassy meadow...

"You taste like freedom" I said, wiping Ella's stray saliva off my cheek.

"Shut the fuck up" said Ella, twisting her head to the side, apparently distracted by something. Seizing the opportunity, I reached out my arm and groped Ella's sun-soaked tit. Mmm.

"Dude," said Ella, "Has that guy been watching us this entire time?" she said, pointing to a faint figure in the distance. The figure was concealed by a patch of shrubbery. Amongst the bushes I could very clearly see what looked like a round black eye staring directly at us

"Possibly" I said. "But honestly, who cares? If we're going to make out in public, we shouldn't be surprised to have gawkers."

"Fuck that shit!" said Ella angrily, getting up.

"Come on, Ella. You don't have to do this."

"Fuck you."

Ella stomped over to the shrubbery where the obscured figure was residing, and drew her trusty can of mace. After a quick shake, she unloaded the entire bottle into the bush.


But this was no ordinary pervert.

This was THE FISH-MAN RAPIST............................!

"And who the fuck are you?" inquired Ella.

Instead of responding, the Fish-Man eyed Ella with a strange stare from his wide fish-eyes. Ella backed off, feeling intimidated.

I stepped up to the Fish-Man and stood toe to toe with it. It blinked in apprehension.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Rapist. My girlfriend has a bit of a mouth."

"I'll take bets on that!" said the Fish-Man.

There was an awkward silence before Ella took out her other trusty can of mace.

"Wait!" cried the Fish-Man. "If I treat you two to dinner, will you forgive me for my heinous perverted crimes?"

"Um, I think we have to discuss that one first" I said. Leaning down to avoid the Fish-Man hearing me, I spoke directly into Ella's ear.

"Maybe we can get rid of him if we let him treat us to dinner."

"No way" whispered Ella.

"Then what else do you suggest?"

Ella couldn't think of anything else, so we stood up and addressed the Fish-Man.

"Alright. Where are we going to eat, then?" I said.

"I was thinking Olive Garden..." said the Fish-Man

"Oh God. Not Olive Garden." I said.

"Why not?" whined Ella. "Come on. I like that place."

"You like everything."

"I don't like Taco Bell."

"Taco Bell isn't even a restaurant."

"Yes it is."

"Fast-food doesn't count."

"Yes it does."

"Guys!" shouted the Fish-man. "We can go to Taco Bell if you want. Olive Garden was just a suggestion."

"I just don't like the service there." I said. "Its always just so... mediocre."

"Actually, I've kind of been wanting to go to Applebee's lately" said Ella.

"Sounds good" said the Fish-Man.

"Yeah," I said, "I have no problem with Applebee's."

So we walked all the way to Applebee's.

"Mmm, this pot roast is fucking delicious" said Ella in between mouthfuls of food.

"Ella! Watch your language. We're in a restaurant." I said.

"Fuck you. I can say whatever I want."

"I'm glad you guys are enjoying the meal" said the Fish-Man. "Of course, its all on me. You won't need to worry about the tab."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly let you pay the whole-" I began.

"That's good, because I'm fucking broke" said Ella.

"Don't worry about it. This is my treat." said the Fish-Man with a wink.

After we finished eating, I thanked the Fish-Man for the meal. The Fish-Man brought us to the alley in the back of the restaurant and raped both of us. The end.

A Very Silly Story

Posted by HLG - May 10th, 2009

do you wasnt a laptop la

fuck your shirt

Posted by HLG - April 24th, 2009

who else can't stop listening to the mars volta's new single??

Posted by HLG - March 24th, 2009

so i was meandering about my loft the other evening when an idea hit me. why not make a list in which i review the top 2009 video games that have been released this year? at first the idea seemed ridiculous. and without further ado, here is my list!

2009: Street Fighter 4

I've never been a fan of street fighter. When I picked up my copy of SF4, I was skeptical. And boy I was disappointed when I started playing and lost my first fight on easiest mode. I haven't played the game since. This game has one saving grace, however.

/* */
The intro/menu song. Its just like the game... so bad that its almost good. But not really.

2008: Resident Evil 5

It was no surprise that Resident Evil would be on this list. Resident Evil has always been one of my favorite franchises, and RE5 doesn't disappoint.

/* */
Just kidding. I hated this game, Irving was the only good part about it. Oh and multiplying rotten eggs via a glitch to get mass amounts of money for no reason other than some shitty achievment that involves upgrading every weapon.

1881: Guitar Hero: Metallica

This game isn't actually out yet but from the demo and trailers it looks like a big pile of crap. Just like world tour! I can't wait to buy it and be disappointed.

1496: Grand Theft Auto 4: The Lost & Damned

Improved bike physics my ass.

1000: Pokemon Platinum

If you weren't already tired of the same mundane, slow paced garbage excuse for an RPG they call Pokemon, then here's another stellar installment to this fantastic series! This is the only game on the list that I haven't technically played, but there's no real difference between Pokemon games anyway.

999: Heroes Season 4

Who would have known that if you removed one or two writers from a pretty serious show that it would become a comedy? The only thing I can be glad for is that they finally killed off two of the most annoying characters, Daphne and Tracy. Awful show.

567: This list



Posted by HLG - March 6th, 2009

"sup, names grin. i guess im a pretty cool person. i like to rap, draw, and play basketball"

- Grinachi "Griance" Spiccato

Thank you Grinace. You have been my true inspiration, the one thing that has pulled me through the hard times. My one saving grace, my special someone. You are my angel, grinace. You made this all possible.

The 2nd Annual Tank Awards - thanks everyone!

Posted by HLG - February 5th, 2009

ok new con"teh"st guys

whoever can correctly name the hottest character on lost wins my tablet and my soul and $200,000


Posted by HLG - January 23rd, 2009

A bunch of convicts on a boat
By Wallace Fugleby

Main Characters:

Daisy Paris
Cornelius Frumpawumpus
Frankincense Tentaclamp
Phonefire Bagcone
Hairglasses Skinhand

"Cornelius!" shouted Daisy Paris, who was at the moment an oak tree.

"Daisy?" gaped Cornelius Frumpawumpus as he gazed up at the sodden old oak, which was actually a young oak, a seedling as some called it.

"We need to get out of this country, and into open waters. We've kidnapped the president's daughter, and we need to escape on a houseboat with a bunch of emotional convicts."


"That's kind of racist."

"No, it can't be a houseboat."

"Alright then, it's a sleek black motorboat with yellow stripes."

Daisy glanced into the distance, his head jutted at an awkward angle. Puking exactly one gallon of blood and bourbon into a thermos, she shed a single amber tear by the seashore.

Chapter 1:

On the prairie by the ponderosa trees, where the cicadas are a'buzzin, and the crickets were a'chirpin, there lay a single boat in the middle of the barren plain. Laced around the boat were landmines, set to detonate in exactly one hour. The second battle of Maren about to begin. Naturally, the survivors take out their Winchesters and begin to fire randomly into the air into not their own heads.

"What's that!" whispered Phonecone Faggotstein, obviously referromg to the cave that was right below their eyes.

Daisy took out his guitar and began to calm the coming storm with his riffs of soothing breasts.

"What's that?" whispered Phonestein Rambletein. The talking GPS with gloves came rambling up to the party and pointed out where to go. Thanks GPS...

"What's your name?"

"Mendell." said the GPS. "You can call me Mendell, if you'd like" said the GPS

Chapter 2:

Wicker hats stood naked on the edge of the cliff, his body arched diagonally at 42 degrees, exactly. Wicker had taken an online geometry class online 400 year prior to the transpiring events that had transpired 100 years in the past in the future he needs to get a time machine to travel to the future. But the time machine was small, like a GPS. You attach it to your car, or put it in your pocket and do a few laps. Sometimes instead of traveling through time it will just generate three alligators. Only $42,92 franks.

Where did all the emo convicts go? Suddenly, a sleek black vespa with yellow striped dropped in from the sky and crushed Wicker dead. His breasts were squashed and detonated the bomb that wiped out half of new york city.

You are entering a room. It is filled with many items. Which one will you pick?"

Turn to page 400 if you pick the GPS time machine.
Turn to page 258,000 if you pick the DVDs that look like a time machine.

All of a sudden Sing Boy crashed in from the roof and started spewing acid all over the presidents daughter.

Then Sing Boy returned to the womb as the president's daughter turned into a spider. The president's daughter's name is Logan Taylor B. Presidentsdottir.

My least favorite country nominee was Burma. The end.

Chapter 4:

Hairglasses Skinhand neighed like a horse. His mane was so valiant. Sing boy reaches into his skull and pulls out SILVER locket raymundo.